-20 by 20...or else.

Im going through a midlife crisis 20 years early…

Latley ive been tearing myself up about my body and how it looks and how i want it to look…i want long brown hair, big firm breasts, a cinched waist and curvacious hips, and fit legss…what i have is…long brown hair, big floppy titties, a curvy waist, no butt and ok legs..i try to tell myself i look ok… But honestly i just want to have one day.of being what i want just to make sure thats what it is..all the girls on here are losing weight to get boyfriends or for college..i have a boyfriend who loves me for me and i am at a school where people accept everyone for who they are.. I dont have friends or people in my life who judge me because of my weight..i always think that being lighter is equal to being happier and that if i majically lost fifty pounds id have money and happiness and serenity..but i wouldnt..ive always wanted to be considered beautiful enough for “plus size adult modeling.. Not like naked porn pictures.. but like those classy pictures that you look at and are like damnit she is beautiful and sexy..but im getting older and im realizing im just going to be a hairstylist who is average looking…oh well… I guess it happens…but my point is is that why should i struggle on a day to day basis with food if the outcome of it is me just being a skinnier version of sad pathetic average me..i get so upset and guilty if i over eat and then feel obligated to run or not eat.. I want so bad to just eat what i please and stay the same..im so confused about my feelings…..